Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.

Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

Favourite diary entry ever

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow

I have no passwords left in me

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign