Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

#DesignFail

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.

15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….

Me: …addicted

15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…

Me: …addicted

15: what smacked you in the face last night?

Me: …go to your room

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”