Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
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A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]