CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
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‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Just ordered me some pizza!
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”