Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So glad we cleared that up

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

Librarian “SHHHHH”

*Turns lawnmower to low setting*

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?