Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’

Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’

‘Who?’

Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3