him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
You Might Also Like
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
had to make it
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.