him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
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[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.