him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
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I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?