him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
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[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy