Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

there has never been a better use of this meme

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.