Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol

he’ll never suspect a thing

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

found my next D&D character name

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

Employee: please stop

Me: I’m just finding the right avocado

Employee: people usually just squeeze it

Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich