Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff

“Yeah”

So how do you keep score?

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming

#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

Jupiter

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna