Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
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Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.