Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]

My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.

Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.