Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”

At least try to make it slightly believable

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

No point crayon over spilled milk.

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.

“Easy to use instructions.”

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.