Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?

me: hey give that back 🙁

[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.

Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

I need to update my racial profile.

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?