Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
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A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Writing, She Murdered.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.