Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do meteors always land in craters?

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

Worst Native American name ever.

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.