Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!