So UBER is not a dating app?
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
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My spirit animal died of neglect.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
My primary physician says I need to eat more ice cream sandwiches and this is why my seven year old is my primary physician.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
[Bad guys in John Wick movies be like]
Bad guy: He’s coming
Bad guy: John Wick, baba yaga
Henchmen: He’s just one guy boss, we can take him
Bad guy: You fools!!! Before John Wick visited Israel on a mission, the Dead Sea used to be called the alive sea