him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
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My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Aight bet