@catstronomical

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

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@lovejulieacafe

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

@panmidwest

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

@thedadvocate01

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

@ChabbyD

My primary physician says I need to eat more ice cream sandwiches and this is why my seven year old is my primary physician.

@BoogTweets

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

@robfromonline

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

@seamussaid

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

@Alex_Houseof308

[Bad guys in John Wick movies be like]

Bad guy: He’s coming

Henchmen: Who?

Bad guy: John Wick, baba yaga

Henchmen: He’s just one guy boss, we can take him

Bad guy: You fools!!! Before John Wick visited Israel on a mission, the Dead Sea used to be called the alive sea