Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person