Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.

Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos