him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
You Might Also Like
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
welp
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS