him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
do u think theres a butter planet?
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.