HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
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A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives