HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
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When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
lol
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Bond. Trauma bond.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3