Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
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Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
In case you needed to hear it:
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”