Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nyc:

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

My time has come.