Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!

waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

All I want for Christmas is my gross pay

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.