Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
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me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
#ProTip
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Museums are a joke like please don’t steal this old shit nobody would never use
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?