Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

Me: please wait a little longer

Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!

She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

What’s your superpower?

Spiderman: ummm, parkour.

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.