Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will