Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

dead inside

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.

HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?

ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work

Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

me: I always get shy around beautiful women

friend: just tell her

cashier: hi

me: *quiet mumbling*

cashier: what?

me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?