Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
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A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Good morning
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?