Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

Them: There are no stupid questions

Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?

Them: There is one stupid question

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.