Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

channeling her this year

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

I just ran a .003048K

[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?