Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
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[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I just love that new Pope smell.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.