Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
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Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor
a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Happy Star Wars day!
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Morning my dudes.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait