Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

ㅤ

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️

Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors

11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?

Me: Great!

11: Want to hear it again?

Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.

Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

A short story of betrayal:

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope