Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

ㅤ

When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

I spoke to my husband earlier

He seemed quite nice

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

Me: ‘I miss you.’

The Point: ‘No shit.’

I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.