Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
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A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”