Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
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The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.