Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
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Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
this is the kind of friend i am
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games