Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
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Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?