Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

damn he’s good

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

25 years ago we decided that nerds were actually cool and good. now they control the world and the complete destruction of human civilization draws nigh. I have no choice but to call up the kids who bullied me in high school for One Last Job

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.

ㅤ

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here