Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
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{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog