Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
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Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.