Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
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This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Pretty much. 🤣
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
*Creating a new social media app*
“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.