Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

Foot f**ish should just be called feetish

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about

i wish we could shoplift online

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

What if all the cashiers are married?

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

So we got a goldfish…

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people