Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
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9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.