Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?

Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color