Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
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School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?