Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

👾👾👾

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem