Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*world is ending*

Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS

Me, scrolling to find my birth year

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

[Time is NOT Real Institute]

BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME {coyly}: Time is not real

BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?

ME: Right away

BOSS: …

ME: Oh shi-

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

Winnipeg!!

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’