Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
You Might Also Like
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.