Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
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here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Sharon I have some bad news
I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Make me look younger
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.