Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys

If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed