Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
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i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy