Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
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There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life