Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
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My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
The cycle continues
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
hey, alexa
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have