Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

the Monday after daylight savings

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

My dream car is a taco truck.

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack