Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.

Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense

FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.