Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.

My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.

Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*

[hours later]

Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

How wrong was this guy?

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.

~me, every time my alarm goes off

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!