Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.