Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
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Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?