Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
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I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
my dog when i have a friend over
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Watermelon Boss!
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember