When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Him: What’s that, Boy? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie: Well I said “reservoir,” but if you need it dumbed down for you, sure.
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There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Everything brightened up when you came into our presence.
– Food in my refrigerator.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”