@TheAlexNevil

Him: What’s that, Boy? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie: Well I said “reservoir,” but if you need it dumbed down for you, sure.

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@hero_ofthenight

If I worked at Starbucks I’d pull a Napoleon Dynamite every time.

“I see you’re drinking 2%, is that because you think you’re fat?”

@PleaseBeGneiss

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

@Kvy_kv

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

@theDapperilla

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

@OmarNajam

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

@sarawrencomedy

PARENTS: Never accept treats from strangers!

WEBSITE: Please accept our tracking cookies.

ME: *clicks* “I accept your cookies”

@saltymamas

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

@SCBamaMan

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

@68Cly29

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor