@TheAlexNevil

Him: What’s that, Boy? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie: Well I said “reservoir,” but if you need it dumbed down for you, sure.

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@NomDeBenoit

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

@Faux_Ma

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

@LaLuchaNix

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

@FatherWithTwins

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

@rorynotroy

the early bird gets the worm but so does the bird that gets outta bed around 1pm because there are plenty of worms out there believe me

@JoyceWhiteVance

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

@ThugRaccoons

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

@PaperWash

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.