good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
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therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.