Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

This anagram machine is out of order.

Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”

They were going to a funeral.

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok