Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.

This trial is so absurd 😭

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

Her: what’s your favorite position

Me: devil’s advocate

Her: i meant sexual position

Me: but what if you didn’t

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”