Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
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If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Still my favorite headline of all time:
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I have so many questions.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.